ohhh my situation...

what the heck do i do?


i can't lie to myself. i won't be happy.

i feel horrible. but i can't help how i feel?
but there's more to it than that.
things that are going on that just make it worse.
but those things are not my fault either.
but in the end, i know it will be made into my fault.

i don't know what to do or how to make this easy.

fu**.

im sorry.

....

i am.

Shannon Jackson

While I was in Detroit on our road trip, we went to the MOCAD. There was a video artist exhibited there by the name of Shannon Jackson. She had video titled "White Noises". There was something she said in the video that caught my attention and I found it interesting. I just found an article she wrote about the work so I was able to find the word for word section of what I found interesting. Here it is:


The question of where to begin is an interesting one.
Because when you go to tell a story-
about something that happened to you, I mean-
you realize that while you were experiencing it,
you didn't know you were in a story.
And so consequently,
you didn't know it had begun
when it all began.

immediate tears. [and suffocation] (beginning of a thought but never finished)

i feel completely empty.

(i just remembered....he didn't like holding hands in public.)

it's not even about him. it's just the thought that made me feel empty. i don't even know myself anymore. what is my problem? i can't commit. me, the one who has always wanted serious relationships, cannot commit. what happened to me?

i have no idea what caused this change. i am scared. of everything. i used to live in the moment and be free. i tell myself i am doing that now, but i must be lying. i have become this detached person. i don't even feel. ::heartbeat::

"It made me think that everything was about to arrive--the moment when you know all and everything is decided forever."
this quote seems relevant, but not in a good way.