Hmm...

I was in Bloomington this past weekend too....How fucking odd.

I still read.

I am happy for you. I hope someone tells you this. I am happy that you are beginning to find peace and say "so what?" While there is a lot of negativity between us, I do think about you and hope that you are okay and moving on with your life. I did think about you today. I even kept looking to see when you would post something, because I knew you would. I truly want the best for you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Yes, it is my birthday...so what? Sigh.

9.10.11

In one year my life changes. <3

This was on a list called "10 Commandments of Wedding Music"

This one stood out to me, naturally. Lol.

4. Thou Shalt Not Play Journey

Same goes with Bon Jovi and Lynard Skynard and Niel Diamond. The only exception to this rule is if your name is, in fact, Sweet Caroline.

Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to ask you how your day was...or watch an online movie.

"The Beginning"

Think about that beginning moment when you met anyone in particular in your life. That first moment when you were so innocent to anything that would become of your relationship with the person. It is that moment that is fragile and quickly broken as time takes it away. Then, before you know it, you are in this very moment where you question how it all began and how you would never have guessed the outcome of it all.

What is a beginning moment that you remember? If you knew the outcome would you change the happenings in that first moment? Why or why not?

Opening night of PostSecret

I went to the opening night. I was so excited because this was the first time it had come to Indy. I felt his presence stronger than ever and I kept looking. I took someone's "secret" that they left on the sign-in table. It is a really good CD, more on that later.

Please, share this with Steve.

The big butter Jesus statue burnt to the ground!

video here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGTBFPte-MY

HAHA

If you ever break and read this...

I am sorry about the comment... I honestly couldn't remember the specifics to the allowance. I had just been thinking a lot about what I said in my comment. About people, love, and the strive for something better.

But, my God. My head hurts once again from reliving that fate debate we had...lol.

I would like to tell you to keep the first meeting as August 8, 2008, but I am not sure if you will be upset at my comment or not....so I will not post it.

On another note, I hope you meet someone else. She's not the one for you. You would have saw that already if it wasn't for you being stuck on me. I don't trust her.

This is where you get confused.

Because I did not want him. So your victory is not over me, it is over his holding onto me. I got the man of my dreams now. He's the one. So I hope you two live happily ever after, because that's what I am doing. And, I never lied to you.

Treat him well.

Helen Fisher studies the brain in love | Video on TED.com

Helen Fisher studies the brain in love | Video on TED.com


Pretty interesting.

31 Days til Vegas

and I cannot wait!!!! Mike and I have been counting down every day. I need a vacation, bad. This is the very first time I will be flying though, so I am a little nervous about that.

My new hair color is pretty sweet. I have had so many compliments. It makes my eyes really pop.

Ehh, I don't have much else to talk about....


Night!

I WIN not you.

Poking someone and then immediately blocking them which results in them NEVER getting the poke does NOT make you win a poke war. It means you LOST! Because blocking someone does not send the poke.....so in the end you FAILED. You FAILED.........eat-a-dick. (Remember you got that from me)

Transience

"Every moment has a birth and a death, which occur within fractions of a second."

-Me

Consider yourself let go...

Goodbye.

You always....

make me speechless....and make me feel like complete and total SHIT.

I read this on "I Wrote This For You" today and I really liked it...

January has issues with her mother, February is always talking about things he wants to do while March does them, April eats sweets and May pays for them, June is the oldest but not the wisest and July always has an opinion on everything. August never stops trying do the right thing, even if he doesn't always know what that is. September once saw something so sad, she never stopped crying. October holds the lift for anyone, vice-presidents and street-sweepers alike (for his memory, not for theirs) and November makes fun of him for this. December is tired but always hopeful. He has never once stopped believing.




Monday's obviously a bastard, quite literally as dad can't remember what or who he was doing. Tuesday's temperamental but ok as long as you stay on her good side. Wednesday doesn't say much and Thursday sometimes hums just to break the silence. They're in love. Friday's always wasted and she and Saturday hold each other tightly until their delirium fades.



But Sunday, Sunday knows she's the end. But she closes her eyes, and she pretends with all the strength in her tiny heart that really, she's the dawn.
 
 
 
"The Children of Time"

Oh my.

So the TV Land awards show ends tonight with David Hasselhoff and a bunch of other goofy actors singing "Don't Stop Believing"....Wow.

I just want to

come up from the water and gasp for the air I have been missing.

Oh how it will feel good to finally be able to breathe again.

I'm Selfish

I am selfish.

I was hurt...really hurt. He came along and did nothing more than love me more than anyone ever had. I was too fucking blind to see it, to see that he was in fact giving his all while I was still believing others lies. Why didn't I just let him go or give him a true chance?
This man is one of the most interesting people I will ever come to meet in my entire life. Now he is no longer a part of it. My fault I know. But now I failed, he is with someone else and so am I. I do question what would have happened if I truly gave him a chance. I just want someone to tell me that I made the right decision in not doing so. I will never be able to truly make up for all the pain I caused him, because the only way to do so is to give him what he fought for for so long. I am sorry I will never be able to make it up to you. I am selfish though, because I can't stand the fact that his love for me is fading. I don't know why I want him to love me when I don't love him back. I just wish every single day that we could be friends. I don't want him gone out of my life. But he is fading and now he is hating me more and more every day. This hurts. But I caused it. I honestly don't know what I ever felt for him...I just know it felt good, him loving me. How do I let go?






"........leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown........"










help me learn how to truly be sorry and do the right thing for you...

"Things people have said to me that I will never forget" (Working title) # 7

"I know this is crazy, but I just wish I could hug you right now."   11.5.09

Blue

I just painted my nails. I think I am going to paint them often now. I haven't painted them in years. And, I am growing my hair out long. Yep. That's all I had to say. Lol.

A start...

Why are you doing this to me? Why do you come to me, and not him? Why do you want my comfort, my consolation, my sympathies, my understanding, but not me?

I come to you because I still need you as a person. You understand me on a different level than anyone else. I finally found someone who gets me and now I have lost that person. I have best friends that I have had all of my life and they don't even get me on the level that you do. Understanding someone however, doesn't make a relationship of love. That's why there are "friends" in this world. Most friends understand each other better than their significant other ever can.

Why do you want everything I gave you in love, but not me? Why do you use words I wrote for you in romance, when you don't want that? They aren't fond reminders of friendship, and you shouldn't look at them that way. They're a reminder of failed love. Of something you don't want from me. Why are you refusing this goodbye, when I've told you that I can't be a part of your life while you're with him? It kills me, it does, I swear to God it does. Every text, IM, blog, it doesn't draw me back in, it gives some little thought that maybe, maybe, you still want something from me that you keep saying you don't. The things you ask of me I can't give you as a friend. I never gave them to you as a friend and I never would've. You've never been reminiscing or missing a time when we were friends, because everything I tried with you, I tried as something you didn't want me as.

You are the best writer I know. Your words are beautiful. Everyone falls in love with a writer's words. You gave me what I needed. It was enough, in a sense. I honestly had no emotion, no feeling, nothing for the longest time. I had never felt that before. I was always consumed in whatever "words" men gave to me. I believed every ounce of them, yet I was always left to rot. It was "believing" the words that got me in trouble. Every time I did, I found myself alone. So somehow I found myself numb with no direction and an empty heart. I had no idea what was happening to me. It was then that I found myself on anxiety and antidepressent medication. Which I believe, only made me more numb to the world. But the anxiety and pain was unbearable as well.----I know we weren't introduced to each other with the idea of friends in mind, but some of the world's best friends start as lovers. Sometimes it just works out that people make better friends than lovers. I want your friendship, so much. You mean so much to me. Please find the day that we can be friends. If we don't atleast attempt being friends I feel like we will both live our lives feeling like this huge part is missing. We get each other. That's what friends are.

"Do you still have feelings for me?"
This is something huge I think you need to answer for yourself. And I would like to have that one answered too. I'm gonna say it. I need to argue this. For my sake, my sanity, for any shred of finality.
I think you do.

Time has helped me along. I did have feelings for you. Was it love? I will never know. Because when we were together I was numb to emotion of any kind. I wasn't able to completely let my feelings surface and bloom into anything more. I'd like to say it was love. Because we had something special, at least I thought. I know you hate it when all I focus on is the good times we had and you say I am blind to the bad times. But I do that because I am thankful to have had someone like you in my life. The moments we had were special. I'd relive them all if I had the chance. You get to a point where you can't sit around and regret things in life. I have had more failed relationships than just you. And with them too, I have reached a point where I appreciate just being their love for the time I was. Everything we experience makes us who we are. Fate or no fate--we were meant to exist in each other's lives, even if for only a moment. It shaped us. Ask yourself who you would be if you had never of met me? (You may say something smart ass like "better off" or something, but we all know that is not true.) We needed each other.


------------------------------------------------------------


That's all I have for now. I will continue to see if you had other questions...or you could always ask them again to help me out.----I want you to be happy. I want you to reach a point in your life where you feel like you have meaning and a reason to be here...everyone is worth it. You are worth it. Don't waste away, live the life you were given. It is a gift to be grateful for. Experience is what makes us who we are. There are always going to be tests along the way. And you have to admit, from what you have been through so far in life, there is no reason why you can't keep going. Don't let anything get you down. Do what you love. But first and foremost, please please put yourself first. You have to try to be happy. If you are not currently happy then you need to seek change. Be the amazing person you are, live, and prosper. I may not be able to know if I ever truly loved you on an emotional/relationship level, but I do know I love you as a person. (I remember the 1st time you told me this exact same thing.)  I love you as one of my only true friends. You are someone very very important to me. Now if that means that I lose you in my everyday life, okay. I just want you to be happy. I want you to smile and mean it. Don't continue to live in this sadness and regret. If you can ever find it in your heart to let me back in your life, please do. Because I will forever miss you and not a day will go by that you will not cross my mind. After all, almost everything leads back to you in some form or another. I know that if you can forgive someone who had such an intense negative impact on your life such as "him", then you will be able to forgive me as well. I am sorry for all of your pain, and this I do truly mean. I am so grateful to have had you in my life. I hold our moments in my heart. Always.


Love,
   Me

Haha...yea...

Just couldn't bring myself to put the dvd in...

You ever wanna watch a movie because it is one of your favorites and you know it is amazing, but you can't bring yourself to watch it because you relate it to a sadness in your life? Yea, all my favorite movies are that way. Dammit.

Bret gave me motivation tonight to get my photography goin. It is just hard cus I am so financially screwed at the moment. I just need to get a better website up. The one I have is just blah. Bret also wants me to model for him. I have never been asked to model for anyone. ::Blush::

Big decision time @ work/works. On the spot totally. Ugh.

My baby brother turned 17 on Monday. I cannot believe he is 17 already.

Mom's birthday is tomorrow. 59. No one knows that it is a small milestone in my mind. Not only because she has cancer, but also because her mother died at the age of 58 and my mother has always been scared about that. You're a fighter Mom. I love you.

Well, I have come to a loss for words.

I like this quote. Because it is how I look at things.

“I thought, there is nowhere else in the universe I would rather be at this moment. I could count the places I would not rather be. I’ve always wanted to see New Zealand, but I’d rather be here. The majestic ruins of Machu Picchu? I’d rather be here. A hillside in Cuenca, Spain, sipping coffee and watching leaves fall? Not even close. There is nowhere else I could imagine wanting to be besides here in this car, with this girl, on this road, listening to this song. If she breaks my heart, no matter what hell she puts me through, I can say it was worth it, just because of right now. Out the window is a blur and all I can really hear is the girl’s hair flapping in the wind, and maybe if we drive fast enough the universe will lose track of us and forget to stick us somewhere else.”




- Robbert Sheffield, Love is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time

Quoted from "I Wrote This For You" today...

I don't know who you're kissing now.
But I do know who you think about when you do.

Doubtful

If I gave you a reason to stay, would you actually let her go? I don't think you would.

April 8th

I can never escape this day. Every year. And the reasoning isn't even an issue anymore...maybe it is symbolic.

....

Ehhh.....

I don't know what it is.

It is the same feeling I get when I am scared to death.
I get insanely nervous and my entire body trembles.
My hands shake, my heart beats fast, anxiety rises.
I can no longer breathe.
Past becomes present.

This happens every time we talk, every time I read your blog, every time I think about you.


I am thinking, thinking what to say...what to do. What do I say to someone who perhaps knows me better then myself? Sigh...

(Hands trembling as I even write this.)

I hurt.

It is sometimes painful to think about you now.

Myrtle Wanda

Well I found my grandma's death certificate and found out what two medications she overdosed on when she died. I researched them too. I wish I knew her. I wish I could have saved her. I feel like she is a part of me.

You see...

I have this sensitivity when it comes to the issue of suicide.

sweet caroline just came on the radio at mcalister's...

Daniel Kahneman: The riddle of experience vs. memory | Video on TED.com

Daniel Kahneman: The riddle of experience vs. memory | Video on TED.com

I haven't heard "Don't Stop Believin'" since we havent talked...until right now, here at McAlister's...sigh.

I think about you all of the time.

I'm going to have to think about what I want to say. Because right now, I am yet again speechless...and I have that feeling in my chest...nervousness.

ps- I would never leave your life like all of your other friends, if you didn't keep me out of it. I'd still like to be able to talk to you. I do miss you. You are one of the most important people to ever be in my life. This is NOT easy on me either. I usually put on a front anymore. Ugh. Sometimes I wish you were only an IM away.

it is a lovely day.

Too bad I am at work.

I wish I had like a month off, so I can make some major progress with my organization at home. I am going through everything and getting rid of a lot. And also taking trips down memory lane constantly. It is crazy what you find in your house that you have kept and just not uncovered for years. I found a whole tub filled with teen magazines I used to collect. Wow. Half of those magazines are not even in print anymore. Makes me feel old now. And then there are diaries, journals, etc that provide proof of your thoughts many years ago and tell you what happened in your life. A lot of things just led me to a laugh and a smile. Anyhow, this process is coming along...just so much stuff. I'd like to get some things done around the house too, like maybe paint my room or something. Mom and I are wanting to put new flooring in too. We just gotta save up for it or something. New flooring would be so nice.

I finally got finished with James's moon and earth picture. It looks pretty cool. Jamey told me to order a 12x18 of it for the store. I bet that will make James feel special. Lol.

So all in all everything is going well, except for money and hours and such. But I do not let that get me down anymore. Just have to stay positive. However, I am still considering the Masters of Art Therapy program that Herron will have come Fall 2011. I think I am going to try for it. Looks like with all of that and where I am at at this stage in the game, family life is something that will be a late start for me. Never imagined it would but it is nonetheless. Owell, get all my ducks in a row then be more at ease later. All will be well.

I know he kicked me out of his life, but I haven't heard a thing about Steve. He doesn't write anymore either. I hope he is okay. I do think about him. Sigh.

Well, I hope this weather stays. It puts me in a good mood and makes me feel cleansed. That and the organization at home. It all makes me feel good.

Dad is out of the hospital and at home now. He has a lot of changes he has to make now though. He went into critical care thinking he didn't have any health issues at all. He came out with a diagnoses of Coronary Artery Disease, Congestive Heart Failure, Diabetes, High Blood Pressure, and High Cholesterol. I am so glad that he went when he did. They said much longer and he may have not been here today. So hopefully we can get him to make some good lifestyle changes.

As for Mom, her knee is hurting her now because of the bone to bone. But that is a minor concern. We did get good news at the last Cancer appointment. They said her Cat Scan was clear and nothing bad was found. So that made us all really happy. She will continue to be checked every 3 months. So hopefully it stays gone because I need my mother.   :)

Uhh, can't think of any other updates at the moment. So enjoy the weather and I hope everyone is doing okay.

Thinking of you,

Sam

love this band. this song. everything.

The Funeral (Album Version) - ...

Moments.

I am an observer. Looking is my passion. The moments are what I keep. Moments with everyone I've loved in my life. Family, friends, boyfriends. I always find myself wanting to live certain moments over again just to feel it once more. I have learned to smile and appreciate what I have experienced. Not to dwell on the fact that a relationship has gone. Of course there are friends I wish I didn't lose or didn't fade. But what can you do? People change and they go. Can't I just hold onto the moments I have archived in my mind. I don't really know what I am getting at here. I just felt the need to express my passion. My passion of seeing.

The Color Orange

“You ache with love. You cry sometimes, because you know two things: you know that you’ve never felt this good before. You also know that it couldn’t possibly last forever. You want it to. You want it frozen. You want to stop time, right there, as he hands you your toothbrush, or as he pulls you back from the curb of the street for one more kiss. You want to be able to pull them closer than the hug, into your body, so you can keep the smell of them inside you, next to you, all around you. You love someone and it hurts. You love someone and it is very, very good. Not only do you feel better about yourself, you feel better about people, life, animals, and the color orange.”

- Unknown

:P

Dad

First time in the 25 1/2 years that I have lived that I saw my Dad in a hospital bed.

My New TV I won...

It is a 46" LCD HDTV 1080p Samsung. It is awesome!

Wait...

Maybe it is not the dvd.

Not very happy!

my 500 days dvd is skipping! it is completely scratch free!!

Pretty Good I Think

The new Coheed song that is.

I deleted twitter....

and I am about to delete myspace...I have deleted all comments and photos on there... It is weird because I am deleting history of a time period. O well. Myspace is just a waste of time anymore. I don't have a way to read anyone's stuff anyhow. In other news...I am trying a 14 day trial on a portfolio website...I am trying to decide if I like it..I have been uploading my artwork, etc on there to try it out so far. It is super easy. I dunno. I hope all is well with you.

"Things people have said to me that I will never forget" (Working title) # 6

"I don't know how you do it, but you always manage to put a smile on my face even in my worst of moods. Every moment I get to spend with you is one that I never want to have fade from memory...."

.....

If you love someone, set them free.


I am setting you free.

.....

That hurts. Thanks.

"Things people have said to me that I will never forget" (Working title) # 5

"I have been feeling that way. You are an incredible girl." (in reference to him telling me that he loves me for the first time.)

J. D. Salinger

So we say our goodbyes, I return "Catcher in the Rye" to you, and then J.D. Salinger dies a few days later? REAALLLLY?

Wow.

.....

I am hurting and I do not know why.

I want to fucking scream and cry at the same time.

The rabbit...

So I was looking through my notebook/sketchbook that I write in for ideas about my artwork and such, and I found something. On March 12, 2009 (the day before the spring break road trip began), I had some notes from a class. These notes were the result of looking at a piece of artwork at the IMA for 1 hour. It was something required. But for no reason at all, I had drawn a small bunny rabbit on the page. There's nothing that even explains why I did it. I just did. And below it, written upside down, are two lines:

"You're my wonderwall." <3

"Don't worry, everything is going to be amazing." ;)


So, that's that. Am I reading too much into it? Then the last thing I see at the last moment I am with you, is a rabbit in the yard next to us. Weird. :-/

Here is a photo of the pages:

"Things people have said to me that I will never forget" (Working title) # 4

"You make me feel indescribable."

Here Comes Your Man (Naked, drunk version)

So I found out the night you posted that drunk "Here Comes Your Man" status on facebook that you were in fact singing it on Rockband completely naked and drunk as fuck while crying (she said it was the only time she ever saw you cry) at the same time. Nice....She was like, "How do you know what song he was singing?" I said, "I know him."

I read the whole parallels/notes thing. When this is all finished. I will never be able to put the books down. You are an amazing writer.

"...I think I love you. Ok bye."-----I keep forgetting about this. I still wonder if this was my true heart talking.

I wish I could see what your glasses look like with that tape. I am sorry they broke. :(

Look to future post about the significance of the rabbit I found...

I would have taken/shared* one last kiss.

"I held hands with her all the time, for instance. That doesn’t sound like much, I realize, but she was terrific to hold hands with. Most girls if you hold hands with them, their goddamn hand dies on you, or else they think they have to keep moving their hand all the time, as if they were afraid they’d bore you or something. Jane was different. We’d get into a goddamn movie or something, and right away we’d start holding hands, and we wouldn’t quit till the movie was over. And without changing the position or making a big deal out of it. You never even worried, with Jane, whether your hand was sweaty or not. All you knew was, you were happy. You really were."

J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

"So there are cakes and pillows and colors galore, but underneath this more obvious patchwork quilt are places like a quiet room where you can go and hold someone’s hand and not have to say anything. Give no story. Make no claim. Where you can live at the edge of your skin for as long as you wish."

Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones

"Things people have said to me that I will never forget" (Working title) # 3 ( Chuckles..get it? #3?? :P )

"This would be meaningless with anyone else. This moment."

"Something" or "534 days of......someone important I was supposed to meet in my lifetime" or "Fate? Fuck Fate.''

Thank you for saying "something". :)

I really wish I had all these Anberlin songs you quote.

The rabbit will forever be in my last memory of you and I. It's something symbolic. What? I don't know.

I don't know if this is the best decision. I've thought about you for the last 2 days straight.

I hope you are okay. I hope you talk to me through blogs. Somehow.

This hurts. This is so hard. I hate it.

If you change your mind, I hope I am the first to know.

I wish there was an easy way to keep everything you have given or written me in a book of some sorts. I just want to bottle it all up into something small that I can keep close to me. (Perhaps this can be done. A tiny flash drive as a necklace?) Photos, writings, music, pictures of the physical items....etc. Wouldn't that be amazing.

I hope you still share your writings with me somehow...YOU are my favorite author.

Sigh.

.....

I didn't think this would hurt like this.

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite." Sitting @ Borders...reading excerpts of Perks. Sigh...

How It Ends

She introduced me to DeVotchka. I don't think I like all of their stuff, but I like this one:

How It Ends - Devotchka

"Things people have said to me that I will never forget" (Working title) # 2

"I'll love you more than you will ever know."

Say Something.

Please.

9 Hours of Goodbye

"Well, I love you. Bye Stephanie."
.......

-"I'm sorry."

-"You didn't mean to."

........

I'll always remember how your arms gathered me up from the world and held me so close, how your tears fell into my hair, and the rabbit that sat motionless in the yard near us.

I don't know how to "not" be in your life.

"Things people have said to me that I will never forget" (Working title) # 1

"I think I'm in love and that fucking scares me."

The Need to Create

I want to get at least one of my artwork ideas going. I want to do the "Things people have said to me that I will never forget" piece (Working title) in a few different stages in order to find the best way to present it. I am thinking about doing somewhat of a sketch and posting one of those "somethings" each day on this blog for a number of days. I know no one will read it though. I would like to have feedback, ugh, I don't know. Anyhow, so I think this idea is about to bloom. Ideas? Please comment if you read this. I would love to know your thoughts. Thank you.

<3, Sam