.....

That hurts. Thanks.

"Things people have said to me that I will never forget" (Working title) # 5

"I have been feeling that way. You are an incredible girl." (in reference to him telling me that he loves me for the first time.)

J. D. Salinger

So we say our goodbyes, I return "Catcher in the Rye" to you, and then J.D. Salinger dies a few days later? REAALLLLY?

Wow.

.....

I am hurting and I do not know why.

I want to fucking scream and cry at the same time.

The rabbit...

So I was looking through my notebook/sketchbook that I write in for ideas about my artwork and such, and I found something. On March 12, 2009 (the day before the spring break road trip began), I had some notes from a class. These notes were the result of looking at a piece of artwork at the IMA for 1 hour. It was something required. But for no reason at all, I had drawn a small bunny rabbit on the page. There's nothing that even explains why I did it. I just did. And below it, written upside down, are two lines:

"You're my wonderwall." <3

"Don't worry, everything is going to be amazing." ;)


So, that's that. Am I reading too much into it? Then the last thing I see at the last moment I am with you, is a rabbit in the yard next to us. Weird. :-/

Here is a photo of the pages:

"Things people have said to me that I will never forget" (Working title) # 4

"You make me feel indescribable."

Here Comes Your Man (Naked, drunk version)

So I found out the night you posted that drunk "Here Comes Your Man" status on facebook that you were in fact singing it on Rockband completely naked and drunk as fuck while crying (she said it was the only time she ever saw you cry) at the same time. Nice....She was like, "How do you know what song he was singing?" I said, "I know him."

I read the whole parallels/notes thing. When this is all finished. I will never be able to put the books down. You are an amazing writer.

"...I think I love you. Ok bye."-----I keep forgetting about this. I still wonder if this was my true heart talking.

I wish I could see what your glasses look like with that tape. I am sorry they broke. :(

Look to future post about the significance of the rabbit I found...

I would have taken/shared* one last kiss.

"I held hands with her all the time, for instance. That doesn’t sound like much, I realize, but she was terrific to hold hands with. Most girls if you hold hands with them, their goddamn hand dies on you, or else they think they have to keep moving their hand all the time, as if they were afraid they’d bore you or something. Jane was different. We’d get into a goddamn movie or something, and right away we’d start holding hands, and we wouldn’t quit till the movie was over. And without changing the position or making a big deal out of it. You never even worried, with Jane, whether your hand was sweaty or not. All you knew was, you were happy. You really were."

J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

"So there are cakes and pillows and colors galore, but underneath this more obvious patchwork quilt are places like a quiet room where you can go and hold someone’s hand and not have to say anything. Give no story. Make no claim. Where you can live at the edge of your skin for as long as you wish."

Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones

"Things people have said to me that I will never forget" (Working title) # 3 ( Chuckles..get it? #3?? :P )

"This would be meaningless with anyone else. This moment."

"Something" or "534 days of......someone important I was supposed to meet in my lifetime" or "Fate? Fuck Fate.''

Thank you for saying "something". :)

I really wish I had all these Anberlin songs you quote.

The rabbit will forever be in my last memory of you and I. It's something symbolic. What? I don't know.

I don't know if this is the best decision. I've thought about you for the last 2 days straight.

I hope you are okay. I hope you talk to me through blogs. Somehow.

This hurts. This is so hard. I hate it.

If you change your mind, I hope I am the first to know.

I wish there was an easy way to keep everything you have given or written me in a book of some sorts. I just want to bottle it all up into something small that I can keep close to me. (Perhaps this can be done. A tiny flash drive as a necklace?) Photos, writings, music, pictures of the physical items....etc. Wouldn't that be amazing.

I hope you still share your writings with me somehow...YOU are my favorite author.

Sigh.

.....

I didn't think this would hurt like this.

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite." Sitting @ Borders...reading excerpts of Perks. Sigh...

How It Ends

She introduced me to DeVotchka. I don't think I like all of their stuff, but I like this one:

How It Ends - Devotchka

"Things people have said to me that I will never forget" (Working title) # 2

"I'll love you more than you will ever know."

Say Something.

Please.

9 Hours of Goodbye

"Well, I love you. Bye Stephanie."
.......

-"I'm sorry."

-"You didn't mean to."

........

I'll always remember how your arms gathered me up from the world and held me so close, how your tears fell into my hair, and the rabbit that sat motionless in the yard near us.

I don't know how to "not" be in your life.

"Things people have said to me that I will never forget" (Working title) # 1

"I think I'm in love and that fucking scares me."

The Need to Create

I want to get at least one of my artwork ideas going. I want to do the "Things people have said to me that I will never forget" piece (Working title) in a few different stages in order to find the best way to present it. I am thinking about doing somewhat of a sketch and posting one of those "somethings" each day on this blog for a number of days. I know no one will read it though. I would like to have feedback, ugh, I don't know. Anyhow, so I think this idea is about to bloom. Ideas? Please comment if you read this. I would love to know your thoughts. Thank you.

<3, Sam