Why are you doing this to me? Why do you come to me, and not him? Why do you want my comfort, my consolation, my sympathies, my understanding, but not me?
I come to you because I still need you as a person. You understand me on a different level than anyone else. I finally found someone who gets me and now I have lost that person. I have best friends that I have had all of my life and they don't even get me on the level that you do. Understanding someone however, doesn't make a relationship of love. That's why there are "friends" in this world. Most friends understand each other better than their significant other ever can.
Why do you want everything I gave you in love, but not me? Why do you use words I wrote for you in romance, when you don't want that? They aren't fond reminders of friendship, and you shouldn't look at them that way. They're a reminder of failed love. Of something you don't want from me. Why are you refusing this goodbye, when I've told you that I can't be a part of your life while you're with him? It kills me, it does, I swear to God it does. Every text, IM, blog, it doesn't draw me back in, it gives some little thought that maybe, maybe, you still want something from me that you keep saying you don't. The things you ask of me I can't give you as a friend. I never gave them to you as a friend and I never would've. You've never been reminiscing or missing a time when we were friends, because everything I tried with you, I tried as something you didn't want me as.
You are the best writer I know. Your words are beautiful. Everyone falls in love with a writer's words. You gave me what I needed. It was enough, in a sense. I honestly had no emotion, no feeling, nothing for the longest time. I had never felt that before. I was always consumed in whatever "words" men gave to me. I believed every ounce of them, yet I was always left to rot. It was "believing" the words that got me in trouble. Every time I did, I found myself alone. So somehow I found myself numb with no direction and an empty heart. I had no idea what was happening to me. It was then that I found myself on anxiety and antidepressent medication. Which I believe, only made me more numb to the world. But the anxiety and pain was unbearable as well.----I know we weren't introduced to each other with the idea of friends in mind, but some of the world's best friends start as lovers. Sometimes it just works out that people make better friends than lovers. I want your friendship, so much. You mean so much to me. Please find the day that we can be friends. If we don't atleast attempt being friends I feel like we will both live our lives feeling like this huge part is missing. We get each other. That's what friends are.
"Do you still have feelings for me?"
This is something huge I think you need to answer for yourself. And I would like to have that one answered too. I'm gonna say it. I need to argue this. For my sake, my sanity, for any shred of finality.
I think you do.
Time has helped me along. I did have feelings for you. Was it love? I will never know. Because when we were together I was numb to emotion of any kind. I wasn't able to completely let my feelings surface and bloom into anything more. I'd like to say it was love. Because we had something special, at least I thought. I know you hate it when all I focus on is the good times we had and you say I am blind to the bad times. But I do that because I am thankful to have had someone like you in my life. The moments we had were special. I'd relive them all if I had the chance. You get to a point where you can't sit around and regret things in life. I have had more failed relationships than just you. And with them too, I have reached a point where I appreciate just being their love for the time I was. Everything we experience makes us who we are. Fate or no fate--we were meant to exist in each other's lives, even if for only a moment. It shaped us. Ask yourself who you would be if you had never of met me? (You may say something smart ass like "better off" or something, but we all know that is not true.) We needed each other.
------------------------------------------------------------
That's all I have for now. I will continue to see if you had other questions...or you could always ask them again to help me out.----I want you to be happy. I want you to reach a point in your life where you feel like you have meaning and a reason to be here...everyone is worth it. You are worth it. Don't waste away, live the life you were given. It is a gift to be grateful for. Experience is what makes us who we are. There are always going to be tests along the way. And you have to admit, from what you have been through so far in life, there is no reason why you can't keep going. Don't let anything get you down. Do what you love. But first and foremost, please please put yourself first. You have to try to be happy. If you are not currently happy then you need to seek change. Be the amazing person you are, live, and prosper. I may not be able to know if I ever truly loved you on an emotional/relationship level, but I do know I love you as a person. (I remember the 1st time you told me this exact same thing.) I love you as one of my only true friends. You are someone very very important to me. Now if that means that I lose you in my everyday life, okay. I just want you to be happy. I want you to smile and mean it. Don't continue to live in this sadness and regret. If you can ever find it in your heart to let me back in your life, please do. Because I will forever miss you and not a day will go by that you will not cross my mind. After all, almost everything leads back to you in some form or another. I know that if you can forgive someone who had such an intense negative impact on your life such as "him", then you will be able to forgive me as well. I am sorry for all of your pain, and this I do truly mean. I am so grateful to have had you in my life. I hold our moments in my heart. Always.
Love,
Me
No comments:
Post a Comment