I read this on "I Wrote This For You" today and I really liked it...

January has issues with her mother, February is always talking about things he wants to do while March does them, April eats sweets and May pays for them, June is the oldest but not the wisest and July always has an opinion on everything. August never stops trying do the right thing, even if he doesn't always know what that is. September once saw something so sad, she never stopped crying. October holds the lift for anyone, vice-presidents and street-sweepers alike (for his memory, not for theirs) and November makes fun of him for this. December is tired but always hopeful. He has never once stopped believing.




Monday's obviously a bastard, quite literally as dad can't remember what or who he was doing. Tuesday's temperamental but ok as long as you stay on her good side. Wednesday doesn't say much and Thursday sometimes hums just to break the silence. They're in love. Friday's always wasted and she and Saturday hold each other tightly until their delirium fades.



But Sunday, Sunday knows she's the end. But she closes her eyes, and she pretends with all the strength in her tiny heart that really, she's the dawn.
 
 
 
"The Children of Time"

Oh my.

So the TV Land awards show ends tonight with David Hasselhoff and a bunch of other goofy actors singing "Don't Stop Believing"....Wow.

I just want to

come up from the water and gasp for the air I have been missing.

Oh how it will feel good to finally be able to breathe again.

I'm Selfish

I am selfish.

I was hurt...really hurt. He came along and did nothing more than love me more than anyone ever had. I was too fucking blind to see it, to see that he was in fact giving his all while I was still believing others lies. Why didn't I just let him go or give him a true chance?
This man is one of the most interesting people I will ever come to meet in my entire life. Now he is no longer a part of it. My fault I know. But now I failed, he is with someone else and so am I. I do question what would have happened if I truly gave him a chance. I just want someone to tell me that I made the right decision in not doing so. I will never be able to truly make up for all the pain I caused him, because the only way to do so is to give him what he fought for for so long. I am sorry I will never be able to make it up to you. I am selfish though, because I can't stand the fact that his love for me is fading. I don't know why I want him to love me when I don't love him back. I just wish every single day that we could be friends. I don't want him gone out of my life. But he is fading and now he is hating me more and more every day. This hurts. But I caused it. I honestly don't know what I ever felt for him...I just know it felt good, him loving me. How do I let go?






"........leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown........"










help me learn how to truly be sorry and do the right thing for you...

"Things people have said to me that I will never forget" (Working title) # 7

"I know this is crazy, but I just wish I could hug you right now."   11.5.09

Blue

I just painted my nails. I think I am going to paint them often now. I haven't painted them in years. And, I am growing my hair out long. Yep. That's all I had to say. Lol.

A start...

Why are you doing this to me? Why do you come to me, and not him? Why do you want my comfort, my consolation, my sympathies, my understanding, but not me?

I come to you because I still need you as a person. You understand me on a different level than anyone else. I finally found someone who gets me and now I have lost that person. I have best friends that I have had all of my life and they don't even get me on the level that you do. Understanding someone however, doesn't make a relationship of love. That's why there are "friends" in this world. Most friends understand each other better than their significant other ever can.

Why do you want everything I gave you in love, but not me? Why do you use words I wrote for you in romance, when you don't want that? They aren't fond reminders of friendship, and you shouldn't look at them that way. They're a reminder of failed love. Of something you don't want from me. Why are you refusing this goodbye, when I've told you that I can't be a part of your life while you're with him? It kills me, it does, I swear to God it does. Every text, IM, blog, it doesn't draw me back in, it gives some little thought that maybe, maybe, you still want something from me that you keep saying you don't. The things you ask of me I can't give you as a friend. I never gave them to you as a friend and I never would've. You've never been reminiscing or missing a time when we were friends, because everything I tried with you, I tried as something you didn't want me as.

You are the best writer I know. Your words are beautiful. Everyone falls in love with a writer's words. You gave me what I needed. It was enough, in a sense. I honestly had no emotion, no feeling, nothing for the longest time. I had never felt that before. I was always consumed in whatever "words" men gave to me. I believed every ounce of them, yet I was always left to rot. It was "believing" the words that got me in trouble. Every time I did, I found myself alone. So somehow I found myself numb with no direction and an empty heart. I had no idea what was happening to me. It was then that I found myself on anxiety and antidepressent medication. Which I believe, only made me more numb to the world. But the anxiety and pain was unbearable as well.----I know we weren't introduced to each other with the idea of friends in mind, but some of the world's best friends start as lovers. Sometimes it just works out that people make better friends than lovers. I want your friendship, so much. You mean so much to me. Please find the day that we can be friends. If we don't atleast attempt being friends I feel like we will both live our lives feeling like this huge part is missing. We get each other. That's what friends are.

"Do you still have feelings for me?"
This is something huge I think you need to answer for yourself. And I would like to have that one answered too. I'm gonna say it. I need to argue this. For my sake, my sanity, for any shred of finality.
I think you do.

Time has helped me along. I did have feelings for you. Was it love? I will never know. Because when we were together I was numb to emotion of any kind. I wasn't able to completely let my feelings surface and bloom into anything more. I'd like to say it was love. Because we had something special, at least I thought. I know you hate it when all I focus on is the good times we had and you say I am blind to the bad times. But I do that because I am thankful to have had someone like you in my life. The moments we had were special. I'd relive them all if I had the chance. You get to a point where you can't sit around and regret things in life. I have had more failed relationships than just you. And with them too, I have reached a point where I appreciate just being their love for the time I was. Everything we experience makes us who we are. Fate or no fate--we were meant to exist in each other's lives, even if for only a moment. It shaped us. Ask yourself who you would be if you had never of met me? (You may say something smart ass like "better off" or something, but we all know that is not true.) We needed each other.


------------------------------------------------------------


That's all I have for now. I will continue to see if you had other questions...or you could always ask them again to help me out.----I want you to be happy. I want you to reach a point in your life where you feel like you have meaning and a reason to be here...everyone is worth it. You are worth it. Don't waste away, live the life you were given. It is a gift to be grateful for. Experience is what makes us who we are. There are always going to be tests along the way. And you have to admit, from what you have been through so far in life, there is no reason why you can't keep going. Don't let anything get you down. Do what you love. But first and foremost, please please put yourself first. You have to try to be happy. If you are not currently happy then you need to seek change. Be the amazing person you are, live, and prosper. I may not be able to know if I ever truly loved you on an emotional/relationship level, but I do know I love you as a person. (I remember the 1st time you told me this exact same thing.)  I love you as one of my only true friends. You are someone very very important to me. Now if that means that I lose you in my everyday life, okay. I just want you to be happy. I want you to smile and mean it. Don't continue to live in this sadness and regret. If you can ever find it in your heart to let me back in your life, please do. Because I will forever miss you and not a day will go by that you will not cross my mind. After all, almost everything leads back to you in some form or another. I know that if you can forgive someone who had such an intense negative impact on your life such as "him", then you will be able to forgive me as well. I am sorry for all of your pain, and this I do truly mean. I am so grateful to have had you in my life. I hold our moments in my heart. Always.


Love,
   Me

Haha...yea...

Just couldn't bring myself to put the dvd in...

You ever wanna watch a movie because it is one of your favorites and you know it is amazing, but you can't bring yourself to watch it because you relate it to a sadness in your life? Yea, all my favorite movies are that way. Dammit.

Bret gave me motivation tonight to get my photography goin. It is just hard cus I am so financially screwed at the moment. I just need to get a better website up. The one I have is just blah. Bret also wants me to model for him. I have never been asked to model for anyone. ::Blush::

Big decision time @ work/works. On the spot totally. Ugh.

My baby brother turned 17 on Monday. I cannot believe he is 17 already.

Mom's birthday is tomorrow. 59. No one knows that it is a small milestone in my mind. Not only because she has cancer, but also because her mother died at the age of 58 and my mother has always been scared about that. You're a fighter Mom. I love you.

Well, I have come to a loss for words.

I like this quote. Because it is how I look at things.

“I thought, there is nowhere else in the universe I would rather be at this moment. I could count the places I would not rather be. I’ve always wanted to see New Zealand, but I’d rather be here. The majestic ruins of Machu Picchu? I’d rather be here. A hillside in Cuenca, Spain, sipping coffee and watching leaves fall? Not even close. There is nowhere else I could imagine wanting to be besides here in this car, with this girl, on this road, listening to this song. If she breaks my heart, no matter what hell she puts me through, I can say it was worth it, just because of right now. Out the window is a blur and all I can really hear is the girl’s hair flapping in the wind, and maybe if we drive fast enough the universe will lose track of us and forget to stick us somewhere else.”




- Robbert Sheffield, Love is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time

Quoted from "I Wrote This For You" today...

I don't know who you're kissing now.
But I do know who you think about when you do.

Doubtful

If I gave you a reason to stay, would you actually let her go? I don't think you would.

April 8th

I can never escape this day. Every year. And the reasoning isn't even an issue anymore...maybe it is symbolic.

....

Ehhh.....

I don't know what it is.

It is the same feeling I get when I am scared to death.
I get insanely nervous and my entire body trembles.
My hands shake, my heart beats fast, anxiety rises.
I can no longer breathe.
Past becomes present.

This happens every time we talk, every time I read your blog, every time I think about you.


I am thinking, thinking what to say...what to do. What do I say to someone who perhaps knows me better then myself? Sigh...

(Hands trembling as I even write this.)