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Screencaps
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
"I am trying to paint my art!"
Let's start by me saying I saw the new movie "The Time Traveler's Wife" last night. It was really good and I was crying my eyes out by the end of it. So I suggest you see it. If you have a heart that is. The reason I say this is because a few girls that were walking out behind us (who had to be a 2 to 3 years younger than us) were saying that that was the worst movie they had ever seen. I was like WHAAA?? I mean really, to not like this movie or atleast feel an emotion leaving the theatre, you have got to be a really cold and heartless person. I was also really engaged in it because it had to do with time and memory which are two of my favorite concepts in my artwork. Anyhow, thumbs up...go see it.
I have been working on copy and pasting my entire Xanga blog over to this Blogger. If you have known me long enough, you remember I used to write in a blog on Xanga for quite some time, 2003-2007 to be exact. There is not a possible export and re-import in to Blogger from Xanga, so I have to manually do it myself. This is not an easy task at all. The nice thing about Blogger is that it lets you back-date posts so I can make it look like these posts were written back in 2003 and so on. I am mainly doing this so that I have it all together and have any easy export option. I also found a website called Blurb that you can make books on, mostly photo books, but any kind of book really. What is awesome about it is that the software you download from them to make your book includes a way of pulling all of your Blogger entries out from the Blogger site and laying them out in a book format. So, if you are like me and love to archive everything you do...then you can make a neat little book of your blog. I think I will make one of just the Xanga stuff and then make another of the rest of my entries someday. Anyhow, so if you read my archives, you will find that all the older entries (2007 and older) are from Xanga. I have also labled them as Xanga entries so there is no confusion. I have definitely grown up since writing in that blog, so it is quite interesting to go back and read the things I wrote. There has also been an abundant amount of people that have come and gone within my life. Some that I miss and some that I do not. It definitely makes you realize how time goes by and things change. So if you do not either write in a personal journal at home or do not have a blog you write in for friends to read, then I suggest you start one and keep at it. Years down the road you will appreciate the documentation.
It is definitely weird to not be in school right now. It doesn't even feel like it's "back to school" time. I have to remember that school is in session even though I am done. I sort of miss it though. I miss the interaction and having something to do. I miss the art making too. I know I can make art whether or not I am in school, but when you don't have a deadline for it, you tend to get preoccupied with other things in your life and procrastinate. I am trying to decide if a graduate degree is right for me and what I would want it in. I really don't have the money to return to school, but if I could somehow make it work, I will. This is crazy though. I have been in school nonstop since I was 4 or 5 (pre-school) and now that I am finally done, I want to go back? Ha. I guess there is also that sense of nervousness about entering into the real world. I am totally clueless what career path I want to take and also scared I won't be able to do what I want because of this insane economy.
And then there is that other crap you have when become an adult...the stress of finding someone to be with, possibly marrying and making a family. I have already been apart of a few failed attempts to invest in a long trusting relationship in order to maybe one day have that. I do not regret the years I spend with people, but it does make you feel somewhat of a failure feeling when it ends and you spent so much of your life building a relationship that was actually not going to go that far. Also, as I mature I have felt that I need to be sure about the person I choose to spend my life with, there needs to be no doubt in my mind that I love them and can see that happening. I have been having a hard time feeling that for certain with anyone. I do not know if that is some sort of fear or if I just haven't found my heart yet. Sigh. I do not know. It is the most nerve racking thing in my life right now.
I really need to somehow get money in order to invest in a new camera. My current D-SLR is having a few issues and I need to replace it but also upgrade to something a tidbit more professional. I want to get a new one soon because I would like to launch my website soon and start shooting portraits and possibly weddings. (>.<)
There are a lot of things I want to get the ball rolling on lately, however I find that time passes so quickly and slips away from me. I just need to be a bit more determined I suppose.
I guess that is all I have for now. I will probably think of more to say as soon as I hit "publish post". Owell. I can always make another post, right?
<3 Steph
I have been working on copy and pasting my entire Xanga blog over to this Blogger. If you have known me long enough, you remember I used to write in a blog on Xanga for quite some time, 2003-2007 to be exact. There is not a possible export and re-import in to Blogger from Xanga, so I have to manually do it myself. This is not an easy task at all. The nice thing about Blogger is that it lets you back-date posts so I can make it look like these posts were written back in 2003 and so on. I am mainly doing this so that I have it all together and have any easy export option. I also found a website called Blurb that you can make books on, mostly photo books, but any kind of book really. What is awesome about it is that the software you download from them to make your book includes a way of pulling all of your Blogger entries out from the Blogger site and laying them out in a book format. So, if you are like me and love to archive everything you do...then you can make a neat little book of your blog. I think I will make one of just the Xanga stuff and then make another of the rest of my entries someday. Anyhow, so if you read my archives, you will find that all the older entries (2007 and older) are from Xanga. I have also labled them as Xanga entries so there is no confusion. I have definitely grown up since writing in that blog, so it is quite interesting to go back and read the things I wrote. There has also been an abundant amount of people that have come and gone within my life. Some that I miss and some that I do not. It definitely makes you realize how time goes by and things change. So if you do not either write in a personal journal at home or do not have a blog you write in for friends to read, then I suggest you start one and keep at it. Years down the road you will appreciate the documentation.
It is definitely weird to not be in school right now. It doesn't even feel like it's "back to school" time. I have to remember that school is in session even though I am done. I sort of miss it though. I miss the interaction and having something to do. I miss the art making too. I know I can make art whether or not I am in school, but when you don't have a deadline for it, you tend to get preoccupied with other things in your life and procrastinate. I am trying to decide if a graduate degree is right for me and what I would want it in. I really don't have the money to return to school, but if I could somehow make it work, I will. This is crazy though. I have been in school nonstop since I was 4 or 5 (pre-school) and now that I am finally done, I want to go back? Ha. I guess there is also that sense of nervousness about entering into the real world. I am totally clueless what career path I want to take and also scared I won't be able to do what I want because of this insane economy.
And then there is that other crap you have when become an adult...the stress of finding someone to be with, possibly marrying and making a family. I have already been apart of a few failed attempts to invest in a long trusting relationship in order to maybe one day have that. I do not regret the years I spend with people, but it does make you feel somewhat of a failure feeling when it ends and you spent so much of your life building a relationship that was actually not going to go that far. Also, as I mature I have felt that I need to be sure about the person I choose to spend my life with, there needs to be no doubt in my mind that I love them and can see that happening. I have been having a hard time feeling that for certain with anyone. I do not know if that is some sort of fear or if I just haven't found my heart yet. Sigh. I do not know. It is the most nerve racking thing in my life right now.
I really need to somehow get money in order to invest in a new camera. My current D-SLR is having a few issues and I need to replace it but also upgrade to something a tidbit more professional. I want to get a new one soon because I would like to launch my website soon and start shooting portraits and possibly weddings. (>.<)
There are a lot of things I want to get the ball rolling on lately, however I find that time passes so quickly and slips away from me. I just need to be a bit more determined I suppose.
I guess that is all I have for now. I will probably think of more to say as soon as I hit "publish post". Owell. I can always make another post, right?
<3 Steph
Monday, August 17, 2009
So that drawing series...
the one I did a few years ago....I think I found the perfect title for it, "Pure Being".
Because that is exactly what it was.
Because that is exactly what it was.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Time to make your box...
It is going to have to be a big box...there is a lot of stuff.
Oh the artist in me, I don't get rid of anything. I wonder what my future children will think of the things I keep. I can only hope my daughter has the same compassion as I do about life. I can only hope she will cherish my memories one day.
See you the next time I reminisce.
Oh the artist in me, I don't get rid of anything. I wonder what my future children will think of the things I keep. I can only hope my daughter has the same compassion as I do about life. I can only hope she will cherish my memories one day.
See you the next time I reminisce.
Side note: I haven't eaten at Hooters since May 2008.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
i give up.
i was upset as fuck because you let me go. i was upset because i felt for you.
i don't know what i feel for anyone anymore. i am so lost and confused. yes, still.
because feelings don't fade at the drop of a dime and now you are trying to come back.
but then there's him. it is not fair to him. but is it fair to deny my feelings? what the hell do i do?
just erase everything and start from new?
that seems to be the best idea. but i can't live without...them.
I am so sorry...I swear I have never been in this position before.
Fuck.
i don't know what i feel for anyone anymore. i am so lost and confused. yes, still.
because feelings don't fade at the drop of a dime and now you are trying to come back.
but then there's him. it is not fair to him. but is it fair to deny my feelings? what the hell do i do?
just erase everything and start from new?
that seems to be the best idea. but i can't live without...them.
I am so sorry...I swear I have never been in this position before.
Fuck.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Dream. You. Our lips.
I had a dream last night...about you. Well you were in it. We were together, physically, like in person, but not as a couple. I don't know where we were, but we were trying to find our way around; it was like a maze. Some parts of it were like a big open venue of some sort and others were secluded and it was just us. I walked and you followed me. Then we sat next to each other, nervous. We leaned into each other and you reached your lips out to mine. We kissed. Soft and loving...numerous times. So real I could feel it. I could feel your lips and your hands. I knew there was something not right about this. It felt like an understanding...an understanding that we were no longer us.
For we haven't been for over a year.
But it was a special moment, like a goodbye...bittersweet. I haven't dreamt of you or even had an episode of missing you for many many months. I don't know why it happened. So all day I thought about your lips touching mine...and thought...can I ever find someone to make me feel the way you did? I am sure I will. This dream was just the oddest thing. I have been over it for a long time and have accepted things. I think it was more about the feeling than us really. I haven't had that feeling again, not since us. I long for it. And when it comes...I will know that all is well and it is possible to truly "love" someone again. For my heart has been holding back ever since...not because I want it to...but because it just hasn't happened. Maybe it forgot what the feeling was like. But I dreamt of the feeling...and it all came back to me. My dreams needed to remind me of what true love is like. It's the touch of the lips and the feeling of forever with a nervousness in the chest. You did that to me. Who will make me feel that way now? I can only hope that whoever it is, that they will do it forever. For I am not sure my heart can handle another loss like that. Thank you for making me feel love. For now I know what I am looking for. I wish you the best. I will always love you, not in a romantic way anymore, but as an important being in my life. Just thought I would share my dream with you. Thanks for reading.
For we haven't been for over a year.
But it was a special moment, like a goodbye...bittersweet. I haven't dreamt of you or even had an episode of missing you for many many months. I don't know why it happened. So all day I thought about your lips touching mine...and thought...can I ever find someone to make me feel the way you did? I am sure I will. This dream was just the oddest thing. I have been over it for a long time and have accepted things. I think it was more about the feeling than us really. I haven't had that feeling again, not since us. I long for it. And when it comes...I will know that all is well and it is possible to truly "love" someone again. For my heart has been holding back ever since...not because I want it to...but because it just hasn't happened. Maybe it forgot what the feeling was like. But I dreamt of the feeling...and it all came back to me. My dreams needed to remind me of what true love is like. It's the touch of the lips and the feeling of forever with a nervousness in the chest. You did that to me. Who will make me feel that way now? I can only hope that whoever it is, that they will do it forever. For I am not sure my heart can handle another loss like that. Thank you for making me feel love. For now I know what I am looking for. I wish you the best. I will always love you, not in a romantic way anymore, but as an important being in my life. Just thought I would share my dream with you. Thanks for reading.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
ohhh my situation...
what the heck do i do?
i can't lie to myself. i won't be happy.
i feel horrible. but i can't help how i feel?
but there's more to it than that.
things that are going on that just make it worse.
but those things are not my fault either.
but in the end, i know it will be made into my fault.
i don't know what to do or how to make this easy.
fu**.
i can't lie to myself. i won't be happy.
i feel horrible. but i can't help how i feel?
but there's more to it than that.
things that are going on that just make it worse.
but those things are not my fault either.
but in the end, i know it will be made into my fault.
i don't know what to do or how to make this easy.
fu**.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Shannon Jackson
While I was in Detroit on our road trip, we went to the MOCAD. There was a video artist exhibited there by the name of Shannon Jackson. She had video titled "White Noises". There was something she said in the video that caught my attention and I found it interesting. I just found an article she wrote about the work so I was able to find the word for word section of what I found interesting. Here it is:
The question of where to begin is an interesting one.
Because when you go to tell a story-
about something that happened to you, I mean-
you realize that while you were experiencing it,
you didn't know you were in a story.
And so consequently,
you didn't know it had begun
when it all began.
The question of where to begin is an interesting one.
Because when you go to tell a story-
about something that happened to you, I mean-
you realize that while you were experiencing it,
you didn't know you were in a story.
And so consequently,
you didn't know it had begun
when it all began.
Monday, April 6, 2009
immediate tears. [and suffocation] (beginning of a thought but never finished)
i feel completely empty.
(i just remembered....he didn't like holding hands in public.)
it's not even about him. it's just the thought that made me feel empty. i don't even know myself anymore. what is my problem? i can't commit. me, the one who has always wanted serious relationships, cannot commit. what happened to me?
i have no idea what caused this change. i am scared. of everything. i used to live in the moment and be free. i tell myself i am doing that now, but i must be lying. i have become this detached person. i don't even feel. ::heartbeat::
"It made me think that everything was about to arrive--the moment when you know all and everything is decided forever."
this quote seems relevant, but not in a good way.
(i just remembered....he didn't like holding hands in public.)
it's not even about him. it's just the thought that made me feel empty. i don't even know myself anymore. what is my problem? i can't commit. me, the one who has always wanted serious relationships, cannot commit. what happened to me?
i have no idea what caused this change. i am scared. of everything. i used to live in the moment and be free. i tell myself i am doing that now, but i must be lying. i have become this detached person. i don't even feel. ::heartbeat::
"It made me think that everything was about to arrive--the moment when you know all and everything is decided forever."
this quote seems relevant, but not in a good way.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Focus (more than just a photography term...)
So the countdown is 2 days.
I need this. Badly.
I have got to just get out of here and free my mind. Start over in a way. Think about new ideas and things in a different way. Live in the moment. Etc.......
When I get back I need to refocus everything. Be true to myself and to others. Ugh. I don't feel like I am being fair. I just wish I knew what is for the best. What decisions should I make? Who should be in my life and who should not? Someone somewhere along the line will be hurt. Possibly even me. But it has to be done.
I kinda feel like I need to just run away and not come back. Make it easier on everyone. Don't worry about me. I'll get by, maybe.
I am still the one in a flux. Will I ever escape it? At the rate I am going, I doubt it. Fuck, ya know? I am a horrible person, maybe. I need to try and be better. Step back and see things in a new way. Then [re] focus. But my eyes hurt. And everything gets more obscured every day.
Who am I anymore?
I am definitely NOT the same person I was up until March 2008. Something switched in me and I do not like it. Not at all.
Things keep falling. Down, down, down.
I need this escape. Come on 7am March 13th. It is a Friday, you know. What luck.
Starting over, on a Friday the 13th.
I have never been much for superstition.
[i wish i received comments on here. ya know?]
I need this. Badly.
I have got to just get out of here and free my mind. Start over in a way. Think about new ideas and things in a different way. Live in the moment. Etc.......
When I get back I need to refocus everything. Be true to myself and to others. Ugh. I don't feel like I am being fair. I just wish I knew what is for the best. What decisions should I make? Who should be in my life and who should not? Someone somewhere along the line will be hurt. Possibly even me. But it has to be done.
I kinda feel like I need to just run away and not come back. Make it easier on everyone. Don't worry about me. I'll get by, maybe.
I am still the one in a flux. Will I ever escape it? At the rate I am going, I doubt it. Fuck, ya know? I am a horrible person, maybe. I need to try and be better. Step back and see things in a new way. Then [re] focus. But my eyes hurt. And everything gets more obscured every day.
Who am I anymore?
I am definitely NOT the same person I was up until March 2008. Something switched in me and I do not like it. Not at all.
Things keep falling. Down, down, down.
I need this escape. Come on 7am March 13th. It is a Friday, you know. What luck.
Starting over, on a Friday the 13th.
I have never been much for superstition.
[i wish i received comments on here. ya know?]
Monday, March 2, 2009
I can't walk away...
It's like I know I need time to sort out my feelings, but I long to have that feeling of being together.
Why when I feel the spark, do they turn out to be someone different than who I met?
And why when I don't feel the spark, are they wonderful? Which then makes me unable to walk away.
I feel so vulnerable and I can't seem to trust.
I can't even see myself in the next year let alone the next five. I have no idea, what is going to happen to me.
Fuck.
Why when I feel the spark, do they turn out to be someone different than who I met?
And why when I don't feel the spark, are they wonderful? Which then makes me unable to walk away.
I feel so vulnerable and I can't seem to trust.
I can't even see myself in the next year let alone the next five. I have no idea, what is going to happen to me.
Fuck.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Flux
It is funny how your life changes every second of every day. It is in this constant state of flux.
At one moment, you think you have it all, then you don't. And people in your life change too. One moment they are always there, a must in your life, then they are not. Next thing you know you have a new batch of people in your life and everything is completely different. Nothing is the same, it is not what your used to. I feel this way every day. I miss things. I wish things would be better again. Life is hard right now. I have been at the point of giving up for a long time now.
I'd like for things to be more normal again, with mom and everything else. I want to be happy again too. But I feel like I am confused about what that even means. I can't tell if I am lying to myself or actually really feeling. I hope I don't hurt anyone along the way. That is the last thing I want to do. But I confuse myself, so I am sure I confuse others as well. I am just tired of the crap. I just want honest love. Maybe I am not allowed to have it. What have I been doing wrong all my life? It's a cycle, that's for sure.
"Spin me 'round again and rub my eyes, this can't be happening..."
At one moment, you think you have it all, then you don't. And people in your life change too. One moment they are always there, a must in your life, then they are not. Next thing you know you have a new batch of people in your life and everything is completely different. Nothing is the same, it is not what your used to. I feel this way every day. I miss things. I wish things would be better again. Life is hard right now. I have been at the point of giving up for a long time now.
I'd like for things to be more normal again, with mom and everything else. I want to be happy again too. But I feel like I am confused about what that even means. I can't tell if I am lying to myself or actually really feeling. I hope I don't hurt anyone along the way. That is the last thing I want to do. But I confuse myself, so I am sure I confuse others as well. I am just tired of the crap. I just want honest love. Maybe I am not allowed to have it. What have I been doing wrong all my life? It's a cycle, that's for sure.
"Spin me 'round again and rub my eyes, this can't be happening..."
Monday, January 12, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
2004
Listening to: Limp Bizkit "Results May Vary"
This cd reminds me of 2004. What is it about 2004 that I miss so much...
The way I saw things...the way I felt...
Something about the trip to Kentucky.
Something about the silos down in Shelbyville.
Spontaneous.
Maybe it was a year that showed promise. I don't know.
There is just something about this cd and that year that I always think about.
Hmm.
This cd reminds me of 2004. What is it about 2004 that I miss so much...
The way I saw things...the way I felt...
Something about the trip to Kentucky.
Something about the silos down in Shelbyville.
Spontaneous.
Maybe it was a year that showed promise. I don't know.
There is just something about this cd and that year that I always think about.
Hmm.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
"ink" (rough draft)
i still remember your hands
so delicate and soft
to the eye
i remember your touch
so delicate and soft
to the skin
i dream of you
but i no longer see your face
i dream of you
with your back facing me
it's the ink in your back
that i see bleeding
the ink in your back
that i am needing
it's indescribable
the way it felt
to watch you
be happy with me
to watch you
bleed for me
it's something about the ink
in your back
something about the wings
in your back
they made me believe
i still can't see your eyes
they are what i fell for
i still can't see your face
but there are your hands...
never once interlocked with mine
but still connecting
through the ink in your back
that i bled for you.
so delicate and soft
to the eye
i remember your touch
so delicate and soft
to the skin
i dream of you
but i no longer see your face
i dream of you
with your back facing me
it's the ink in your back
that i see bleeding
the ink in your back
that i am needing
it's indescribable
the way it felt
to watch you
be happy with me
to watch you
bleed for me
it's something about the ink
in your back
something about the wings
in your back
they made me believe
i still can't see your eyes
they are what i fell for
i still can't see your face
but there are your hands...
never once interlocked with mine
but still connecting
through the ink in your back
that i bled for you.
(Unfinished)
you untied my ribbon
and pulled me along with it
then you slid right off of the silk
and faded
it takes two pieces
to make the knot
it's cliche
it takes two pieces
to make one
you slid right off
im nothing but an untied ribbon
waiting to be snagged
waiting to be unraveled
im nothing but an untied ribbon
waiting to be pulled out
and pulled me along with it
then you slid right off of the silk
and faded
it takes two pieces
to make the knot
it's cliche
it takes two pieces
to make one
you slid right off
im nothing but an untied ribbon
waiting to be snagged
waiting to be unraveled
im nothing but an untied ribbon
waiting to be pulled out
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Previously written...
take me back to the time
before relationships existed
--in my life
before i so desperately needed
to find new love
in order to relieve myself
of the old love
only to be hurt again...
why is there this need?
a need to be held...
kept.
kept is the past tense of
keep:
to have or retain possession of.
retain:
continue to have (something); keep possession of
not abolish, discard, or alter
keep in one's memory
absorb and continue to hold
do not abolish, discard, or alter...
absorb.
will you absorb me?
Friday, January 2, 2009
(Unfinished)
im wrapped around your finger,
im pulled tight
how's it feel
how's it feel to own me
u dont even have to care
u could hurt me to no end
and i will still be there
you are erasing me
i can feel it
one day at a time
you are erasing me
im transparent
im out of your mind
you have more power
than anyone in my life
you control my heart
im pulled tight
how's it feel
how's it feel to own me
u dont even have to care
u could hurt me to no end
and i will still be there
you are erasing me
i can feel it
one day at a time
you are erasing me
im transparent
im out of your mind
you have more power
than anyone in my life
you control my heart
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